Why Do I Continue To Do This?

I realized today that I'm desperately infatuated with a man who is just a bad match for me, and one whom, if we started dating, would only bring me unhappiness in the long term.  This is worse than previous crushes, mostly because he's the ultimate bad boy intellectual (yes, there is such a thing), I find him completely fascinating, and he's actually rather nice to me (when he chooses to talk).  The more I learn about him, the more I know he's bad for me, and the more he makes me want to back off, but the more I want him at the same time.  We agree on next to nothing, and I'm pretty sure he's a communist.  What have I gotten myself into?  I think I'm going to be fine, though, as long as he doesn't start crushing on me as well....

I think the biggest problem is I kinda just want to be his best friend, but I think right now, in the state I'm in, that's a REALLY bad idea....Oh dear....

The End of The Boy

Do you guys remember "The Boy"?  I talked about him a couple of times, before finally deciding that he was too hot and cold for me, and that I was better off without him?  Yeah, well, I've been realizing these past few days that I was not as "over him" as I thought I was.  And today, when he happened to come up in conversation, and my friend (who knew nothing of this) told me how funny and crazy he was....and once I revealed that I had a crush on him, she told me sadly that he was "obsessed" with one of her friends.  She gave a name; not that it really matters; I don't know the girl.  I managed to save face, but the whole thing hit me like a sandbag.  I guess it was easier for me when I didn't think that he liked anyone, or that he was incapable of loving (doesn't that just sound MEAN?  Omg...), or EVEN when I thought he was interested in one of MY friends (they always talk), because I could tell she wasn't interested in HIM.  And even if she was, I could NEVER hold it against her.

Still, this was really hard to take.  I'm starting to go numb, which is better than my original reaction, but as always, it doesn't feel good.  I'm considering skipping my next class, because I have it with him, and there's only one person sitting between us.  But, since I have another class in the same room after that, it doesn't make sense to skip; I'll be caught by the professor before you can say "Cheap Russian Vodka".

Update on the Boy

I do not believe he is interested.  It's confusing and conflicting, but for all his assets, I'm not interested in dallying around my feelings with someone who appears to be more hot and cold than the Katy Perry song.  I'm not bitter or sad; just disappointed.  Still, I take great pleasure in listening to him speak in class; he still has amazing ideas and I wish he would talk more.

Update on the Boy

He sat with me before class, and we talked a bit more, although it was not quite the same as last time....this meeting lacked the privacy of Monday (after all, we were in the middle of the English department between classes, NOT in his private smoking area).  I got him to talk a bit about his passions.  His smiles feel rare and beautiful, and it warms my heart to experience them.  His hand was swathed in bandages, and I wanted nothing more than to take care of him, to make him feel better.  (It's a strange weakness of mine.  I always say that I'm not cut out to be a mother, but whenever I see someone I care about in an injured state (even if they're just sick), I feel this overwhelming urge to "mother them".  Curse these maternal instincts!

Everything's Coming to Em

Things have been a bit of a roller coaster these past few days, but I think I can safely say that as of today, I'm starting to see a break in the metaphorical clouds.  I'm not promising anything is going to happen; or if something does, that its going to happen the way that I had pictured things happening, but I have a good feeling about life right now.

Okay, so this story goes back to last semester.  There was a guy in my class.  He was real quiet.  Not shy, but quiet.  And when he would finally talk in class, I couldn't help but sit up and take notice.  I felt like most of the other people in that class didn't have much to say, but this guy...this guy made a ton of sense.  I'd always get excited when he would raise his hand, because it was always something interesting and thought-provoking.  This guy was good.

I've had a crush on him since that point.  And this semester, I had two classes with him instead of one, making it harder to just forget about him; to just not think about him.  More often than not, I just ignore those feelings, because when I like someone, I act like a complete and utter fool.  And I don't want to further embarrass myself and scare everyone off (the only ones who seem to be okay with my jittery affection are those who are more socially awkward than me).

I've had good feelings about my life this semester.  Not concerning this guy.  Just good feelings in general.  And when I saw that I had two more classes with him (meaning I'd see him every day), I thought perhaps there might be a chance.  Well, that was until I saw how he only ever seemed to talk to one of my friends.  I mean, I know that they had a class together, but I always got the feeling that he thought she was cute and that he kinda liked her.  And this feeling gnawed at me for the longest time.  In fact, today in class, I saw them talking...animatedly (and this guy almost never shows that kind of excitement), and I decided my chances were over.

My next class was cancelled, so I was wandering around the English department when I ran into him again.  Now, my original intention was to have my friends buy me coffee while I whined and complained about how frustratingly dead my dating life was.  But, instead, I decided to go and say "hi".  I've been rejected by men multiple times, so being turned down is nothing new.  And besides, I reasoned that there is nothing wrong with small talk, and if I didn't make a move when I actually had an opportunity to talk with him, I'd regret it forever, even if talking to him didn't change a damn thing.

So...I went up to him, started a little bit of small talk, and soon, we were involved in a lengthy discussion about books, literary styles, authors, interests, and God only knows what else.  He made a comment about coffee, so I suggested we go and get some (he had over an hour before his next class, and besides, I had been intending on getting coffee before work anyway).  So, we did.  We got coffee....we talked some more.  He went out for a smoking break, showing me a secret little area where he liked to go.  We talked some more.

He told me so much about himself....where he was from, his frustrations and motivations, things that he said he wished he could tell everyone; things that he said I probably wouldn't believe.  I can't remember the last time someone told me their life's story so quickly like that.  I can't remember the last time someone spilled all these details to me without even thinking about it.  Like it was just natural for him to talk about it and for me to listen.

However, I think the most amazing part were the silences.  When I'm with someone I don't know very well, I hate the silences.  It's uncomfortable.  It makes me nervous.  With this guy, however, it was different.  The silences were okay.  I felt calm, comfortable, and relaxed.  It was natural.  Silence with him was not dead space, but a calm break for a few seconds...or a few minutes.  It just worked.

I don't know what to think about this, so I'm not going to try.  I'll rant about it to friends tonight, and then I'll tuck it in the back of my mind and let it go.  He says he loves a challenge, and so, if I even want to consider wanting him, I'm going to make it a challenge.  Not that I'm going to be aloof or distant.  I'm just not going to revert to my old habits of throwing myself at the other person like I'm a small dog or a child screaming "Look at me!  Love me!  Love me!"

Regardless of what happens, I have a good feeling about this. Friendship would be fine.  This guy is unlike anyone I've ever met, and I want to discover a bit more about him.  He fascinates me.  And regardless of all this, I can safely say that I have a real good feeling about this semester in general.  Finally: everything's coming to Em. ;)

Who is Your Literary Crush?

In my last post, I mentioned that Edward Fairfax Rochester from Jane Eyre is my favorite literary crush (with Brandon from Sense and Sensibility in 2nd, and Darcy from Pride and Prejudice in 3rd). But, how about you? Ladies, do you dream of Darcy or Heathcliff? How about Bingley? Gentlemen? Would it be Elizabeth, or Catherine, or someone else entirely? We're not just focusing on Austen and Bronte here.... I mean anyone from classic literature! Please share! :)

Rochester:

Brandon: Mr. Darcy: