Ctrl+Z

I had been hanging out with Boo a little while before work (my lungs are now choked with cigarette smoke, and I have a smokey lump in my throat).  It all started when he posted online about how he had to come up to campus early for a meeting with a professor, and now he's lonely.  I texted him, said if he wanted company to let me know, and he texted back almost instantly, alerting me to his location.  So, I went and found him smoking a pack of cigarettes ("I'm quitting smoking after this pack.  Although, I said that after the last pack and then I went out to buy this, so we'll see."), and we fell to talking for a while.

 

He confided things in me.  I have no idea why he tells me stuff.  But, he told me things and we talked and had fun, but I'll be honest, the more we talked, the more I realize that we could never be more than friends.  We're just too different in the areas where it's important to be similar.

 

He made a comment about people keeping their distance, and that most everyone will do it eventually.  I made a comment in response that I thought he was pretty cool, and had nothing to worry about.  And as the conversation continued, he said something to the effect of "I have two mirrors, you know.  One even sits at the edge of my bed.  I'm well aware of things."  And his tone clearly implied that he did not see just how handsome he actually was; in fact, I'm pretty sure he thought he looked like shit.  When I first saw him, when he was about 100 pounds heavier, I told myself that he was the most handsome man in the room, and that I just had to go out with him.  He's one of the most handsome men I know.

 

Now, here's the Ctrl+Z moment.  I told him.  I said "Not to make things awkward, but I don't believe your mirror comment.  I think you're incredibly handsome, and it's a pity you don't see it."  He started to get agitated and dismissed it.  He said he only looks somewhat decent now because he's lost weight, and he knows how to dress.  And I told him that he looked good even before, when he was much heavier and wearing sweatpants.  He remained agitated until we parted ways.

 

I don't think I offended him, and I certainly hope I didn't make things weird between the two of us.  But, I'm afraid I might have shown a part of my hand which I was not really ready to show.  I really like Boo, but I don't think we're a good match until he works through some shit.  And I need to figure out myself, first.  But, I do think I made him think.  And I think it scared him that someone might actually be interested in him; that someone might actually find him attractive or interesting, or worth their time.  I think that terrified him.

 

If someone finds the keyboard of life, could they just hit Ctrl+Z for me?  It would make my life so much easier. 

Gatsby Party Update

I simply had a wonderful time at the party last night!  It was so much fun.  I went out shopping with the Roomie and Rachel that afternoon, stressed majorly over what to wear, and ended up with a cute black top with white polka dots and ruffles, and a cute set of black tights with faux diamond sparkles on the calves.  I tied that in with a skirt and shoes which I already owned, and voila!  I was ready to go.

A few of us started off the night with a dress-up party and some wine.  The roomie did my hair and makeup.  Then, we just hung out, laughing and talking, giving ourselves a chance to get there fashionably late.  We certainly didn't want to be the first people there!

Boo didn't come until we had been there for about half an hour; maybe forty-five minutes.  And when he did.....God, he was so handsome!  I have never seen him look quite so fine!  And he was completely hammered.  He was practically pickled.  And strangely enough, being shit-faced doesn't make him act like an idiot, but it makes him talk in really big, fancy words.  When I first started talking to him, you would have thought he was Gatsby, the way he was carrying on.  For all his fancy talk, however, you could see that it was taking longer for the gears to work.  His language might have been fancy, but his brain was running real slow.  It was not long before he disappeared into the corner with just the friends he had come with.  I had asked him to dance before that point, but he protested a series of injuries, scars, and physical therapy made it impossible for him to dance.  So, I was a bit disappointed.  I've chalked it up to his being drunk, though, because usually, he's a bit more friendly with me.

After a point, I began to get frustrated.  I wanted to dance with a cute blond, so I decided that was just what I was going to do.  And if that cute blond was not Boo, then I'd just have to find another.  I spotted a familiar face in the crowd, and asked him to dance.  He's a freshman and I'm a senior; there is no romantic feeling there at all, but he's a wonderful dancer.  And we accidentally got caught in a slow dance, but that was fun, too.  All in all, I think that one dance was the highlight of my night.  And I kinda hope that Boo wasn't watching, but part of me hopes he was.  I also got to dance with one of the people who put the party together.  He made a comment that the host must dance with everyone, and I jokingly asked if he was Gatsby.  With a wink he said "maybe".  I called him mysterious, and he told me that was his middle name, "Jay Mysterious Gatsby," haha!

At the end of the party, once the dancing was over and the band was packing up, I slipped upstairs to the second floor to say goodbye to Boo.  On the way there, I found a bunch of playing cards scattered all over the steps.  And on the top step, just staring at me, was the Five of Hearts; my lucky card.  There is a whole story behind it, and it would take at least another post to explain, but for me, it really hit me hard.  It reminded me of things and of people.  And after little details that I noticed during the night (again, I'd need to explain so much background context first), I felt as though this might be a sign of something, although I don't know what.  I left the card, went up to the second floor, said goodbye to some people, and then came up to Boo.  He didn't see me, so I placed a hand on his arm, and said goodbye.  He was starting to sober up, and his response sounded so much more like his old self.  On the way back down the stairs, I grabbed the card.

The night was finished off with Princess Bride and more wine.  My feet were killing me, and I was incredibly tired, but it was a wonderful evening, Boo or not.  I was so glad that I went!

Dress to Impress

There's going to be a dance on campus this weekend.  More specifically, it's a Great Gatsby themed party.  And I've been wanting to go since the beginning of the semester, but as the date got closer and closer, I've been getting worried that I won't have the right outfit, and that means I have to go buy one, which requires time and money which I don't have...and after a certain point, I wasn't even sure if it was worth going, even though almost all my friends ARE, and it's pretty much all the English department talks about.

Then, I got a text from Boo yesterday.  And he asked me if I was going.  And not only is he going, but he's getting all dressed up, really getting into character, and is super excited.  He even bought a ton of stuff just for the occasion!  I'm still hoping to go, and my more fashion-conscious friends are going to help me find a cute outfit, but I'm seriously freaking out....I want to impress him sooooooo badly!  And since this is one of the few times he'll ever see me in a dress, I need to make this count.

Wish me luck, y'all!  I'll post details soon.

Boo Radley?

Not sure how many of you have read To Kill a Mockingbird, but if you haven't, you should, and if you have, you should read it again.  I'm about halfway through my nth reading of it.  I love this book so much it's not even funny.  But, what is funny is the strange encounter I had with one of my writer friends.

I've mentioned this guy several times before.  This is the cynical Russian who clumsily injured his hand fixing his car, and who injured himself the day he was supposed to take me out for an afternoon of coffee and chess.  Lately, he's been helping me with my writing, acting as editor and moral support when I start to spaz.  In short, he's been amazing.

We met up today because he wanted to read over a few of my pieces (I'm seriously considering a Creative Writing MA, at his suggestion, and he offered to help me prepare a portfolio).  We were just going to hang out in one of the academic buildings, and then he suggested me grab a cup of coffee in one of the campus coffee shops.  While there, we fell to talking over our too-hot-to-drink beverages, and somehow, the topic of my current read, To Kill a Mockingbird came up in conversation.  And I asked him if he's ever read it.

Not only has he read it, but he confided in me that he discovered that he's actually the Boo Radley in his life.  And I awkwardly admitted to him that Boo is one of my favorite characters EVER in literature, and that it was funny he should feel that connection.  I was hopefully pretty casual about it, but inside, I was having a bit of a freak out.

I've been crushing on this guy on and off since I first met him.  From the moment he first spoke in class, I was head-over-heels for him.  I've calmed down somewhat, but there is still this gently pulsing attraction for him.  Factor in that he actually wants to spend time with me (even though he is generally antisocial), that he offers to help me with my writing and actively seeks out my help on his writing, and the fact that he believes himself to be something of a kindred spirit to my favorite literary character EVER, and, well, things get kinda complicated.

Part of me thought I might just be struggling with my emotions after the events with my creeper, but now, I'm not so sure.  I've been crushing on this guy for a year and a half...at this point, I think it's more of a steady crush than any sort of rebound.

I would try to ask him out, but I don't know if we'd mesh very well on a more intimate level.  Besides being of different opinions politically, we're also on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to religion (which is a huge thing for me in a serious relationship).  I'm a dedicated Catholic, and he's an agnostic who has tipped over into atheism.  Why can't relationships be simple?

Blargh

I can't wait for this week to be over.  Or, more specifically, I can't wait until my Wednesday 5-6:15 class is over, and I don't have to stress about this presentation about Irish author Benedict Kiely anymore.  Going along with that, when class is over, my professor has offered to take us all out to dinner at a local Irish pub, and one of the grad students is buying us all beer.  I can't wait to sit back with a deliciously dark Guinness! 

I try--as a rule--to avoid drinking when I'm stressed out, but I would kill for a nice glass of wine or shot of vodka right now....just something to help me relax.  And I don't even know why I'm so stressed out!

Maybe it's because I just got back from Thanksgiving break, and I already have a ton of work?  Like 3+ papers, a one-act play, and two short story revisions?  Or maybe it's because I had finally decided I was going to take a year off before grad school, and now, on the suggestion of one of my writing buddies, I'm off on a mad scramble to fill out applications for a MA in Creative Writing program?  Or, if that's not what's bothering me, perhaps it's the fact that I'm majorly crushing (against my will!) on a creep who keeps trying to seduce me, even though he has a girlfriend?  I tell him that I just want to be friends, but he keeps coming on to me.  And it's seriously starting to piss me off.  Maybe I'm stressed because I graduate in just over a semester?  Or because I still don't quite know what I want to do with my life?  Do I want to be a writer or a librarian?  What the hell am I doing?

Why do I always attract creeps?  I don't even want a boyfriend....I really don't want to be in a relationship right now, but I certainly wouldn't mind a few pleasant dates with someone who's not a player, a creep, or a weasel (this current guy happens to be all three).

I think I'm going to curl up in bed with To Kill a Mockingbird, and read until I fall asleep.....that is, once I finish all this homework, first.

That was a LOT of rambling and stressing out.  So, here's a cute picture of a hedgehog to make y'all feel better :)

Last College Autumn

Autumn has settled upon my senior year of college.  To be honest, I find it hard to believe that I've been attending this school for nearly four years now.  Where does the time go?  Seriously!  I'm so amazed.

Sometimes, the swiftness of time terrifies me.  And I'll be honest, I'm a bit nervous about graduating in May, and leaving all this behind.  Don't get me wrong, I love being at home....I love my family and all the friends I can only see when I'm there...but I know I'll miss the campus, my college friends, and the freedom I feel here.  Sure, there are classes and such, but it's been nice having a dorm to retreat to, and having friends only a five to ten minute walk away.  I love the feeling of the campus in the fall, and I think that I'm going to miss that more than most things.

I know I have a few more months, but this is my last autumn here, and I want to enjoy as much of it as I possibly can.  Ever since I was a child, fall has always been my favorite season.  I love the weather, the crispness in the air....the start of school, my birthday, and Halloween were all in the fall (and in that order).  It was and is a magical time.

There are so many things I still want to do here, but at the same time, I feel as though my time to move on has come.  I guess what I'm looking for right now is a chance to stay attached to this campus forever, but as a student.  I want to continue to learn, and to wander the campus, taking in every delicious detail so that nothing is forgotten...Like a ghost, but alive, and well, and happy.  I want to freeze time for just a little bit longer.

And sometimes, I wish I could go back to freshman year, when I was just a naive kid wandering around to God-knows where with a frog-faced philosopher who made me feel like I could fly, even if only for a short time.  True, things fell apart, but I still think of him fondly when I see our cherry blossom tree bloom in the spring, or when I walk past the bench and lampposts where we used to meet up every night.  I guess, all in all, you could say I'm feeling somewhat nostalgic....and I guess that would be right.

NaNoWriMo

Happy Halloween, everyone!  I just wanted to remind you all that tomorrow is November 1st....and that means NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month).  For those of you who are not familiar with NaNoWriMo, it's a personal challenge of many writers to try and complete a 50,000 word novel in one month.  I tried last year and utterly failed.  This year, I'm hoping to at least get halfway there.

 

I would love to be writer buddies with you guys!  If anyone is interested, please sign up to join NaNoWriMo with me!  We don't have to share any of our writing, but it would be nice to talk about how far we're getting in our respective pieces, or taking a chance to give each other pep talks or lament our frustrations with the project.  If you do have an interest, you can sign up or learn a bit more about NaNoWriMo here.  Also, I've included a widget on my blog's sidebar to keep up with my NaNoWriMo progress.  It's just underneath the widget for my 2012 reading goal.

 

So, as I said before, Happy Halloween, try not to eat too much candy, and let me know if you'd be interested in joining NaNoWriMo with me :)