"Take no heed of her...She reads a lot of books."
~Jasper Fforde

Monday, December 3, 2012


I had been hanging out with Boo a little while before work (my lungs are now choked with cigarette smoke, and I have a smokey lump in my throat).  It all started when he posted online about how he had to come up to campus early for a meeting with a professor, and now he's lonely.  I texted him, said if he wanted company to let me know, and he texted back almost instantly, alerting me to his location.  So, I went and found him smoking a pack of cigarettes ("I'm quitting smoking after this pack.  Although, I said that after the last pack and then I went out to buy this, so we'll see."), and we fell to talking for a while.
He confided things in me.  I have no idea why he tells me stuff.  But, he told me things and we talked and had fun, but I'll be honest, the more we talked, the more I realize that we could never be more than friends.  We're just too different in the areas where it's important to be similar.
He made a comment about people keeping their distance, and that most everyone will do it eventually.  I made a comment in response that I thought he was pretty cool, and had nothing to worry about.  And as the conversation continued, he said something to the effect of "I have two mirrors, you know.  One even sits at the edge of my bed.  I'm well aware of things."  And his tone clearly implied that he did not see just how handsome he actually was; in fact, I'm pretty sure he thought he looked like shit.  When I first saw him, when he was about 100 pounds heavier, I told myself that he was the most handsome man in the room, and that I just had to go out with him.  He's one of the most handsome men I know.
Now, here's the Ctrl+Z moment.  I told him.  I said "Not to make things awkward, but I don't believe your mirror comment.  I think you're incredibly handsome, and it's a pity you don't see it."  He started to get agitated and dismissed it.  He said he only looks somewhat decent now because he's lost weight, and he knows how to dress.  And I told him that he looked good even before, when he was much heavier and wearing sweatpants.  He remained agitated until we parted ways.
I don't think I offended him, and I certainly hope I didn't make things weird between the two of us.  But, I'm afraid I might have shown a part of my hand which I was not really ready to show.  I really like Boo, but I don't think we're a good match until he works through some shit.  And I need to figure out myself, first.  But, I do think I made him think.  And I think it scared him that someone might actually be interested in him; that someone might actually find him attractive or interesting, or worth their time.  I think that terrified him.
If someone finds the keyboard of life, could they just hit Ctrl+Z for me?  It would make my life so much easier. 


  1. I wouldn't worry about it too much. You were being kind and honest. The only people that take offense to direct kindness are the sorts of people who play games with other people's hearts. If that's the case, you are better off not even dealing with those sorts of people.
    My advice is to be yourself, don't play games, and trust that this will lead you to someone special. The difficult part though, is to no get hurt when some people you care about fall by the wayside; which, by the way, is inevitable.

  2. I'm just scared of hurting him. I've never seen him so agitated before. I'll post updates if things happen, but right now, I'm not sure what to think or how to continue from here.

  3. Tell them the truth... they'll come round to it sooner or later.

  4. Honesty can be frightening and off-putting to people who aren't used to it, but they'll appreciate it in the long run. Keep being yourself and the trust will develop. :)


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