"Take no heed of her...She reads a lot of books."
~Jasper Fforde

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Reasons Why You'd Want Me on Your Team if the Zombie Apocalypse Starts

So....not gonna lie, but I've been thinking a bit about the zombie apocalyse recently.  Not seriously, of course.  Honestly, I think we have a better chance of being taken over by sentient super-computers than zombies, and even that is not very likely in my book.  Still, I've been thinking about zombies.

Now, everyone has their ideal "team" for the zombie apocalypse.  And a lot of these teams involve characters like Chuck Norris or that weird kid down the street with the guns.  And I confess, I haven't thought much of it.  But, I do have a few people I would put on my own list.  First would be that shady character I alluded to a few months back: the Weasel.  Personally, I'm not a fan of him, but the guy is ex-military, he likes me...a lot, and he's still a bit "off".  That means I'd have a crazy ex-solider with guns and knives who wants to protect me and would possibly do reckless things, such as jumping into a crowd of zombies, which would give the rest of us a chance to escape.  I'd also bring my brother, because he's athletic and smart and funny (so he could keep all our spirits up).  I'd also bring a priest friend of mine who happens to be a black belt in several types of martial arts (great for defense and religious support).  Finally, I'd bring my friend Sarah (super smart) and maybe one or two of the guys from Physics club.  Oh!  And this really ripped sophomore in my writing class.

The question here of course is "But, Em, why would all those people want you on their teams?"  And honestly, I can understand the confusion.  But, there are plenty of reasons why I'd be great on a zombie survival team....and here's why....

1. Bookworm.  So, this might not seem like a great survival tactic, but I'm really well-read.  This knowledge ranges to all sorts of topics, and makes me a useful well of information.  At first it might not be that important, but trust me, there will come a time where you wish you knew how to identify some poisonous plant or figure out if your symptoms are zombiism or something less fatal, and I'll be the person to come to.  My speed reading will also allow me to take in a lot of information very quickly.  In addition to that, I can tell plenty of stories from the books I've read, which will provide entertainment on those cold, dark, terrifying nights.

2. Writer.  Being a writer provides its benefits, too.  For starters, I pay a lot of attention to people.  Human nature is the bread and butter of the writer, and I spend an unhealthy amount of time observing the behavior of people around me.  Not sure if that guy is going to hurt or help us?  I might not be able to tell every time (especially if he's a good actor), but I could give you some pretty solid advice.  And of course, you'll need someone to chronicle our adventures and detail anything we've observed concerning the epidemic.  This, and the sense of deductive reasoning which comes with being a writer, will also help us in our travels.

3. Emotional Support.  I might not be the easiest person to get to know but I do feel very deeply for people when they are suffering.  And in this ragtag group, I'd be the one to emotionally support each of our members.  Best friend turned and you had to shoot him?  I'll hold you until you stop crying.  And if you need to make a difficult decision, I'll be there to act as your sounding board.  Sometimes, that's all a person needs.

4. Convenient Zombie Snack.  Yes, as much as I hate to admit it, this last entry is also true.  I'm slow.  I'm unathletic.  So, if the zombies are chasing us and you need to get away, just shoot me in the leg or something and I'm down.  I have a high tolerance for pain, so hopefully I won't suffer too much, and you'll all be able to escape.  Plus, if I don't get eaten, but instead just turn, then I'll be a pretty slow and pathetic zombie.  I won't be able to get you without a lot of trouble.  So, at least at this point, you won't have to worry about killing me.  I'll just stumble after you for a little while, rotting and bleeding everywhere with my new-found zombie pals, and eventually starve to death.

What about you guys?  Any of you think you'd be valuable assets to a zombie apocalypse survival team?  And what about survival plans?  Or the zombie apocalypse even happening?  Tell me what you guys think in the comments!


  1. wow. you thought way too much about this. however, i would be more than happy to have you on my team! i would offer my unshakable confidence, recklessness, logistical and strategic planning, and mediocre flint-knapping skills.

  2. Love you, too, Sarah ^^

  3. I think I might be pretty valuable on a team. I have lots of guns, and have had actual firearms training, but I am a totally normal (i.e. not crazy) guy. I think maybe I could be like the main dude on The Walking Dead who brings order and organization to the group.

  4. Sounds like you'd be an awesome addition to anyone's team, Robby :)


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