Faceplant Fail

Finals today and yesterday.  Two more days to go.  I'm pleased to say that my finals so far were fine.  I got the second most difficult one out of the way (Greek History), and my easiest (Modernist Literature).  But, I'm going to have a hell of a time with my finals on Thursday and Friday.  Earth Science is going to be the worst one, and Tudor Literature is no walk in the park, either.  Still, I'm almost done, and that makes me really, really happy.

And now for the title event....I was chilling with Rachel and Movie Boy, watching Inglorious Basterds.  I actually rather liked it, but it was just too violent for me.  I think if it was a bit tamer, I would have really liked it.  For such a dark topic (a bunch of American Jews killing Nazis), it was actually pretty funny.  We didn't watch the whole thing, since we didn't have much time.  Mostly just select clips that Movie Boy wanted to show us.

I walked him back to the library, and was on my way back, looking for Rachel, when I epically faceplanted.  I honestly don't know what happened; I just tripped over my own two feet!  There was no ice or snow (strange for December), but we had been having a ton of rain, so I didn't just fall, but I fell into a mud puddle.  Well, half of me did.  The right leg of my jeans, from the ankle to the knee was covered in mud.  And besides the initial shock and embarrassment, I had to deal with a blood-red stinging and burning in my hands where I had ripped the skin open.  The one was mostly just grazed, but the other needed to be bandaged.

Besides my sore knees and my stinging hands, what hurt the most was my bruised pride.  A couple of people saw me fall (including Rachel--I found her!!!) and one good Samaritan actually tried to see if I was okay.  I waved her away before she got too close; I was really, really embarrassed, and I didn't want the attention.  When I get hurt, I usually try to just shake if off and ignore it (fencing taught me that--you can't cry out every time something hurts during practices).  That doesn't mean I don't like being babied about it AFTERWARDS, but when it initially happens, I just don't want people to talk to me.

Just felt like rambling about my epic spill today.  I'm curious to see how I'll feel in the morning.  My wrist and knee are already starting to act up.  Details perhaps tomorrow.

Life is Really Complicated...

...And sometimes, I find myself confused and frustrated and unable to figure out where to go from here. Just promise me that you'll always be there for me, no matter how shitty I'm feeling or how bitchy I'm acting....I admit that it won't be easy, but I promise you that things will get better. However, by that same token, I'll need you to remind me that things are going to be better, as well. If I need a hug, please be ready for me with open arms. I'm going to be needy; I'm going to be annoying and clingy and frustrating....but it's only because I need you. If I'm distant, or pained, or out of sorts, and you ask me what is wrong, perhaps there is nothing wrong; I just need to hear the sound of your voice and know that you're going to be there when I need you later. Sometimes, I don't even know what's wrong....but it would be nice if you could comfort me all the same and just melt the pain away with your presence.

I miss you and I want you here with me more than ever. You are an angel. Please don't let me down; you never have before.

Lots of love; in the past, the present, and eternity.

Willoughby

I know this is a name y'all haven't heard in a long time (and for some of you, the reference might mean nothing at all; if you're not familiar with Willoughby, he's listed in the sidebar under Dramatis Personae.) Just a quick summary for everyone....

I met Willoughby during a rebound from Neo, a guy I really, really cared about. Basically, because of a lot of crap going on between him and the Roomie, we stopped talking, even though we both missed each other. So, I was in a vulnerable emotional position. Willoughby came into my life, and just mesmerized me. He made me feel as though I was flying every time he was around. I was so in love with him that I stared neglecting other relationships because I wanted to be with him so badly. He made me happy; he made me feel complete.

Well, it was not to be. He was a loser. It took me about five months before I finally took the clouds from my eyes and realized that the reason he hadn't asked me out yet (even though he acted like he was as in love with me as I was with him), was not because he was shy, but because he was messing with me. He ripped my heart open wide.

He started calling me names. "Woman," "Broad," and "Bitch" were some of his personal favorites. It was obvious that he didn't care about me. Then, he started making comments about my mom and about Professor Thomas, and that was the end of that. I would get into such a state that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I hated myself in that period of time; I was a bitch....I was nasty, temperamental, and cruel.....but only to him. I hated him, but I loved him, too, and I hated myself for that.

Several times, I tried to get him to leave me alone. I even went so far as to start sitting at other tables, but he would find us. When he made his comments, no one said a word. No one. They all watched. And it hurt more than what he would say; it hurt because I felt as though I was encircled by a cheering crowd screaming "Go! Go! Go!"

He transferred at the end of the year, and I haven't seen him since. He's called the Roomie a few times, but never me. Well, today, I got an email from him, containing a link to an online store selling Canadian Viagra. I emailed him back to let him know his account had been spammed. I don't know why I bothered. Then, he called the Roomie and asked her for my number; I got a new phone over the summer and the number changed. He called the old number and got a guy's voice. He also responded to my email, saying that he wanted to catch up, and saying he would call; well, apparently he tried.

I don't know what to think right now. There is a lot of pain and frustration behind these words; hearing from him again has opened so many old wounds. I've been longing to spill my guts to someone, but I had no idea who I would tell....what would it matter? No one supported me then, why should I expect support now?

Just a word of advice for all of those out there who have friends in bad relationships: we are never going to ask you to kick the guy's ass for us, but please, if you see us drowning, save us; don't let us sink. All that I said and did was a cry for help; I even said things to people; about how I felt and how I wanted him gone. Even when I did, no one listened. When I tried to move to another table at dinner, they all told me to sit back down. If you care for the friend, you should say something. To hell with us being an item; if he was beating me, would you stop him? Bruises fade a hell of a lot faster than the emotional scars on my heart. We might not respond the most positively at first, but trust me, its for the best in the end, because even if our Willloughby(s) don't give a damn about us, at least we know you guys do. It does nothing to tell us after the fact that you were on our sides. Nothing.

Is It Enough to See You?

I saw you from a distance, walking the edge of the beach.
Your men were nearby, and yet you were not with them.
I was scared, but I approached you anyway,
My gut clenched into too many knots, because I feared what would ensue.

Your whispered name escaped my lips,
And you turned to me at once...
And you smiled. You smiled at me!
I never expected that.

You were kind in your words, gentle, even
And I admit that I was blown away by this reception.
My heart was beating too hard, pounding in my chest
So hard that I thought it bruised my ribs.
You bruised my ribs; bruised my heart.

Nectar lost its sweetness tonight,
Ambrosia tasted like sand in my mouth.
But it was enough to see you,
Your eyes the green of the ocean
And your hair dark with the spray of the sea
And when you looked at me, you consumed me
Body and soul, if only for a second.
I guess I should say thank-you
Because this gave me closure.

And most of all, you remembered me,
Remembered whispered secrets I had given
And you had kept them all this time.
Thinking of that now, I almost want to cry
Because all I could remember is the deepness of your eyes
And the touch of your hand.

I remembered your body
But you remembered my soul.

~Calypso

Praying for Strength...

It has been an awful night...and it seems like I keep running into people who feel like me...heartbroken, vulnerable, and pained. I don't know what to do, but I just feel like shit. Please, God...Give us strength.