To Much Emotion...

Today was the first official day of my Easter Break, and my dad came to pick me up from school.  On the way back, however, I learned some very sad news.  Mrs. R, my old grade school librarian, passed away.

Now, that might not sound like a huge deal; it was a librarian from when I was in grade school.  I'm in college now, and I'll get over it.  But, this is different.  Mrs. R means a lot more to me than just any librarian...She is singlehandedly the reason why I decided I wanted to be a librarian.  She was my inspiration.  And I guess I'd just like to take a few minutes to talk about her...

Since I was little, I always loved the library.  Always.  And the school library was always a safe and special place for me.  I would spend all my time there if I could, but I was always limited to about half an hour once a week for our scheduled library time.  Still, in that span of time, I developed a beautiful relationship with the school librarian; she was always the one I went to for recommendations, opinions, or just to talk.  It was wonderful.

When I was in seventh grade, a lot of my classmates stopped going to the library, but I would always be sure to go.  Since there were even less of us, I would spend more time talking to the librarian.  It was during this time that I realized that there was nowhere I would rather spend my time.  And it was then that I realized I just HAD to be a librarian; I needed to spend the rest of my life surrounded by books.

In eighth grade, I was the only one to go to the library.  The only one.  And I'd spend as much time as possible there.  When library time came around, I would leave in the middle of my English class and spend my half an hour there.  Mrs. R and I would talk; we'd have a great time.  And toward the end of the year, I learned that she was retiring and moving out of state.  I was crushed.  True, I was graduating, but her leaving meant that I would not  be able to see her when I made the customary return to visit the school.

Even back then,  I was really bad with words.  Speaking, I mean.  I could never talk about things.  So, I wrote her a letter, and I poured my heart into that letter, telling her everything about her inspiration and how much I loved that library; how much she would be missed.  And I slipped it between the pages of my favorite book, the one I checked out too many times to count.  And I returned it with the rest of my books, as though nothing had changed.

When I went down to the library a little while later (I honestly can't remember if she called me or if I went to say goodbye, or what the reason was...I wish I did).  And she told me that she found my letter.  She got so choked up as she told me that it had made her cry; she was so touched.  And we both cried there in the library.  It was so beautiful and so sad.  I was going to miss her so much.

That was nearly seven years ago.

Every time I advance in my dreams of becoming a librarian, I think of her.  I guess that means I think about her a lot.  She was, is, and will always be my source of inspiration when it comes to library science.  If it were not for her, I would not want to be a librarian.

I was thinking about looking up her new address and sending her a letter.  But, by the time I thought of it, she would have been already dead, or close to it.  I started thinking about her a week ago; that's right about the time she died.

I'm feeling really lost right now.  I have so much emotion, and I'm not sure how to process it all.  I have no idea what to say.